Father Time

[Original blog post on Tumblr: December 16th, 2016]

Some highlights of the last EDA I’ve read (Father Time).

I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions. As usual, this is full of spoilers.

It took me an entire month to get through this one. It’s way too long, it’s tedious, the characters aren’t particularly interesting, the Doctor is kind of OOC, the antagonists are boringly cliché, the plot only gets duller with each of its three parts (the first one being the best by far), and I even ended up skimming some paragraphs. We don't get any answer to the question about Miranda's species. We don't know who the Hunters were, really. This book never delivers it promises.

All of this wouldn’t necessarily make me dislike a book - Parallel 59 suffered from most of these flaws and was definitely an average book, but I still liked it. No, you have to go the extra mile to make me genuinely dislike something. And in this case, that extra mile is the author’s constant palpable smugness. Look at him, he’s doing something so revolutionary, guys. The Doctor has an adopted family of sorts. That will be groundbreaking for the fans, right? It’s not like he had his granddaughter travelling with him in the very first episode of the show and during a season and a half, uh?

Don’t get me wrong, I can tolerate authors patting themselves on the back. But, you know, for all his smugness, Lawrence Miles does offer something new and groundbreaking in Alien Bodies and Interference. Lance Parkin doesn’t. 4/10

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Well I do spend all day in an office where the heating isn’t on, and I've had aching joints ever since I was nine, which means so far I’ve endured nineteen winters which made my knees feel like rusty nails, and I still love snow and winter, so what I’m trying to say is I can’t relate

Mrs Castle you’ve almost certainly killed a man, your adventure isn’t starting very well

I don’t know who these people are but this dialogue made me laugh

Okay the two mysterious people are now officially called Asshole 1 and Asshole 2

Ooooh the notice on the door “grew” back!

So Eight is now living in a small house in the middle of nowhere and has surrounded himself with the equivalent of half of the items in his old TARDIS’ console room.

“WHY”

Well it definitely means something, yes

I used to have an equivalent of the kind of dream she’s talking about, and it happened so often I had nicknamed these particular dreams “crooked house dreams”. The same house with a nonsensical floor plan, stairs leading to plain walls, open doors you still couldn’t pass, windows looking into yet more rooms, places too small to fit in, and so on.

He built a sonic suitcase hahaha

Well that’s Paul McGann for you

Oh so that’s how Asshole 1 and Asshole 2 are really called, then.

Don’t try to make that sound impressive, professional chess players do that on a regular basis. And he’s playing against kids.

My point exactly, thank you Doctor

Now this is a lot more impressive tbh

I laughed out loud

Uh. Would you look at that. Doesn’t mean she’s Gallifreyan, though, we’ve already met other humanoid species with two hearts in the series.

On one hand, making Miranda very good at chess is cliché, on the other I can’t stop giggling internally while picturing Eight sitting on a tiny kid’s chair

Miranda you are a very condescending child

It took him almost a hundred years but he finally found someone like him. Which is ironic considering how many times he could have easily run into the Master or himself or any other Time Lord who was on Earth at any point during that century.

This is really sweet though.

Also I love how deadpan Miranda is when she answers anything.

Don’t be ridiculous, my parents were already drinking bottled water in the seventies, I doubt it was a lot different in England

Oh just most of the people he befriended over the course of a whole century, you know, nothing too depressing

Are you telling us you’ve never played snooker or even watched other people play it in almost 100 years

I don’t buy it

Holy shit hahaha

Please Nurse Collins don’t say anything embarrassing

"Princess Leia does nothing"? Have you even watched Star Wars?

Honestly I had no idea what he meant at first, and my initial reaction to “I bet he listens to Kate Bush” was ‘hey shut up I like Running Up That Hill’

For some reason this makes me sadder than any part of the earlier conversation about his past.

Ah Eight finally met Asshole 1 and 2 the Hunters!

And they put a miniature nuke into his pocket??

Still a bit sad

Oh, so the Hunters are working for other aliens, then.

This would be funnier if something similar hadn’t happened right in the previous book, guys.

This part is really good.

We still don’t know wether Miranda is Gallifreyan or not but honestly this doesn’t contradict it in any way

Uh. So she’s from a different species than them but still from the same civilisation as them? I’m confused.

OUCH OUCH OUCH

Oh, so the whole Falkus thing happens in his future?

Hey Debbie don’t worry it’s not even close to being in the top ten worst things which happened to him so far, he’ll be all right.

WHAT A SURPRISE RIGHT

Which reminds me they skipped the seventies entirely, which is honestly a very cheap way to justify the fact he never met Three during his own exile.

........................I HATE MYSELF FOR UNDERSTANDING THAT REFERENCE

I HATE THE WRITER FOR MAKING THAT REFERENCE

I ALSO HATE EVERY SINGLE PERSON FROM THE EDA SKYPE CHAT WHO UNDIRECTLY CONTRIBUTED TO MY UNDERSTANDING OF THIS REFERENCE BY TALKING ABOUT THE SOURCE MATERIAL A MONTH AGO

And after that brief moment of atrocious secondhand embarrassment, back to me feeling sad

It took him that long to figure that out?

I laughed out loud at Barry’s lack of reaction

I’m starting to feel concerned because we’re only at a third of the book and it already looks like the resolution. Maybe there’s several parts?

Ouch. Bye, Barry. I can’t say I liked you, but still.

HOLY SHIT HAHA OH NOOO I feel a bit bad for them though, that’s such a dumb way to die

Awwww look the Doctor found a new granddaughter after all this time

And that was part one! It was rather good. Let’s hope it gets even better.

...okay. So. This guy right there just called the Doctor “Thatcherism personified”. I don’t know what’s funnier: regarding that bit as a joke at that guy’s expense because he completely failed to understand the character, or regarding that bit as a genuine observation from the writer, who therefore completely failed to understand the character.

Debbie I want to like you but you’re really not making that particularly easy.

Not particularly, Miranda

Aaaaaaaaaand now the author has officially lost me.

Mind you, I agree with the last part (which is ironic, considering that’s the part which is framed as the villain’s thoughts...). My problem with that description is the “poor-people-exploiting-the-system” crap. I work in the French government aid system, okay. The people who are “exploiting the system” exist, but they don’t live in derelict neighbourhoods. Because they aren’t poor, and still find gaps in the system to benefit from state-welfare. The people in the derelict places you’re talking about aren’t “exploiting the system”. They have every right to get help from the government. They need it. They are the reason why that system exists in the first place. I have to deal with bigots like that author every week or so and I’m tired of that crap.

End of rant. Please proceed.

And of course the very first people the Deputy encounters are criminals. Because everybody loves clichés, right?

I’m sorry if that liveblog has suddenly turned sour but that crap hits way too close to home.

However I do like that ridiculous machine.

!! So the Doctor still remembers some bits from his own past, but he thinks it’s fairytales and legends. Interesting.

And Miranda may or may not be asexual - just like the Doctor, really. That’s also interesting.

asfgdhjkk Iris visited him to check if he was okay

It’s just a mostly abandonned part of the town, is that so f█cking unusual in England that the writer has to present is as an alien place or is he just a rich asshole who never gets out

Good.

...Doctor you just technically killed a man by making him wear your coat

Could you just feel bad about it for like two consecutive seconds before lamenting the loss of your coat

Good. Finally.

I BURST OUT LAUGHING

At least the Deputy is a bit genre-saavy.

You just lost an opportunity to make a great Description Cut, but I laughed anyway, so it’s okay

Friendly reminder that Eight can be terrifying when he wants to

I F█CKING LOVE HOW “SHOOTING THE DOCTOR” IS THE DEPUTY’S FIRST INSTINCT IN EVERY SITUATION

I KNOW FERRAN IS A VILLAIN BUT

DID YOU JUST PUT ABORTION ON THE SAME LEVEL AS FOUR ACTUAL GENOCIDES

Or not, because we’re only halfway through the book

Or yes it might also be for that reason

...I don’t.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME THE GUY IS HELLBENT ON KILLING MIRANDA AND JUST LETS HER GO BECAUSE IT WOULD BE “ANTICLIMACTIC”

Well that’s one way to break the ice I guess

We’re obviously going to do something ridiculous with it

And honestly I can’t wait to see what it’s going to be

DOCTOR YOU JUST KILLED ANOTHER GUY

But I’m not gonna lie it was pretty cool

Never mind, the writer is laughing at his own joke

And they are going to end up dead soon because the machine is still working. Good job. You just killed two more guys.

That scene is completely bonkers and I really like it, though.

I doubt anything will top that scene, but I hope I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Ferran has now failed to kill Miranda twice.

..............please explain.

No comment necessary

Number of times Ferran failed to kill Miranda: 3

Number of times Ferran failed to kill Miranda: 4

Number of times Ferran failed to kill Miranda: ∞

You’re not very good at this, are you?

At least Miranda hasn’t lost her mind unlike Ferran

“Miranda I was supposed to kill you but I think I’m actually in love with you because I don’t know what a cliché is”

HE ACTUALLY TOLD HER HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MURDER HER HOLY SHIT

Get the hell away from there Miranda

Holy shit Miranda

HOLY SHIT MIRANDA

And that was the end of part two. Not as good as the first part.

And we’re in 1989 now. And of course he participated in the fall of the Berlin Wall. Also I just realised I was one year old when the wall fell.

WAIT A F█CKING SECOND IS THAT BETTY STOBBOLD FROM “THE BURNING” OH DAMN

DON’T MAKE ME THINK ABOUT “NEVERLAND”, BETTY

Are you telling me Ferran is the main villain of part three

The Hunters were so much better.

I do like that way of describing telepathy, though!

Doctor, admit it, you want to save Miranda but you also wouldn’t say no to a brief trip in space

And you don’t have to scare people like that but who am I kidding

Ferran is now officially incompetent, cliché AND boring

Isn’t that the title of the next book too

You can’t fault his logic

They actually managed to stay hidden until orbit, which is impressive

Don’t spoil that moment for them, Doctor.

...Miranda you do realise that your story also relies on “the law of the strong” to work, right? I get your point but it’s not a good way to sell it

When you describe it like that, a rocket does sound like a flying coffin

OKAY BEST PART OF THE BOOK it relies on Ferran’s utter incompetence as a villain, but it’s still pretty funny

Did... did you just kill Debbie just for shock value

I have no words

Okay Ferran this is your last chance to be a competent villain don't screw it up

DON’T MAKE ME THINK OF BETTER STORIES

Doctor you’re not good at this, please remember your Venusian Aikido, or just stop thinking, like you did in the previous book

Holy shIT

(it’s mostly undone by futuristic medecine in a couple of minutes, I call bullshit on that)

Meanwhile on our famous show “Ferran the incompetent villain”

WAIT A F█CKING SECOND HE STILL HASN’T CHANGED THE VOICE RECOGNITION SYSTEM AND GETS OWNED BY THE SAME TRICK TWICE

Can this book be over soon, please

Apparently not

The image which instantly appeared in my brain was that room from Event Horizon because I’m one of those rare mythical creatures who actually like Event Horizon a little bit

Too many references here to identify most of them, but I still like this scene.

Well that was pretty anticlimactic, uh?

This is obviously going to be an absolute disaster, but thankfully the book doesn’t deal with it and is almost over

Yes, you’d better find him in the next book, because that arc was excellent at first but took a nosedive right after The Turing Test and to be honest I want it to be over now

I only know one other author who puts playlists at the end of his books and he’s a pretentious French SF writer who I started to find obnoxious by the time I was 18 or so

Long story short, holy shit am I glad this book is over