The Ancestor Cell

[Original blog post on Tumblr: September 19th, 2016]

Some A lot of highlights of the trainwreck of the last EDA I’ve read (The Ancestor Cell).

I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions. As usual, this is full of spoilers.

For the first 50 pages or so, this book was great. Then it started to slow down. Then it turned into a f█cking mess. Then the f█cking mess turned into a disaster of epic proportions.

I had a feeling that this arc couldn’t end well, plot-wise. There was so much build up, for so long, that the arc involving Faction Paradox just couldn’t keep its promises. It just couldn’t. It would have needed a miracle, and the miracle didn’t happen. That’s particularly frustrating because there’s a ton of good ideas here. Most of them are lifted from Lawrence Miles books, but sadly, The Ancestor Cell isn’t The Taking of Planet Five and doesn’t seem to know what to do with them.

So, instead of trying to wrap up these ideas in a satisfactory manner, the book decides to nuke each and every one of them out of the series. I’m not kidding. That ending looks like some sort of purge.

Oh, but imagine if somebody more competent had written this book! There’s so much potential there. The Doctor turning into an Eldritch abomination. A renegade faction of rogue Gallifreyans coming back to take control of the planet by exploiting weaknesses in the Web of Time. A decaying TARDIS turning into an absurd non-euclidian gigantic structure. A companion being used as a gateway to an inaccessible place. Mythical Time Lords returning from the grave. Eight sacrificing himself and his TARDIS to solve a problem he created in the first place.

So yeah, for a while, I was wishing someone more competent would take these ideas and use them better.  

And I realised something. It already happened. Two years later. In a completely different range.

In Neverland.

So yeah, simply because Neverland exists, I’m not too angry about The Ancestor Cell. I think my conflicting feelings are reflected quite well by the liveblog below. It’s clumsy, it’s infuriating, it’s beautiful and ugly, it’s epic and anticlimactic, it encapsulates the best and the worst of the range. It is what it is, and it isn’t good, but it’s fascinating in the same way a forest fire can be beautiful. 5/10

---

Okay.

BRING IT ON.

“The scanner had extended to fill the entire room”

This looks beautiful and terrifying at the same time in my full technicolor panoramic mind’s eye. This book is going to hurt my brain just as much as The Taking of Planet Five, isn’t it?

Eight, please try to concentrate

Also please don’t cry I won’t be able to handle it

...that was actually vertiginous to read.

OH SHIT OH F█CK IS THIS NEVERLAND ALL OVER AGAIN

So a war TARDIS is bigger on the outside then, uh?

Okay so let me get this clear. We’re only less than ten pages into the book, but two things are already pretty clear:

1) The style is a bit flat.

2) The imagery is wonderful.

HOLY SHIT COMPASSION

Oh so the war TARDISes can also shrink down, that’s pretty fun.

COMPASSION IS CRYING SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING

WHAT THE ACTUAL F█CKING HELL

So Compassion literally puked the randomiser (among a ton of other things). I think that’s a good thing but I'm probably wrong.

Wait what the hell the cell is made of bone

Fitz no

My inner SCP Foundation fan is already cataloguing this cell made of bone as an Euclid with an Orange threat level

GET OUT OF THIS PLACE

Friendly reminder that Gallifrey during the War is completely f█cked up

The punchline is the f█cking War, Eight, please try to concentrate for a minute

I snorted

Okay so apparently the writers have decided to take every single loose strand of plot in the current arc and tie them all in a bow and since I don’t think that can be done neatly in a single story I’m starting to brace myself for impact

Meanwhile Fitz has apparently appeared right in the middle of a room full of Faction Paradox wanabees. They’re rather pathetic.

They were trying to invoke a dead and mysterious spirit and invoked Fitz instead.

As Toddintheshadows would say, “how does that level of failure even exist, that's like if you tried to make scrambled eggs, and instead you caught syphilis“

OH SHIT

FATHER KREINER IS BACK OH DAMN

Meanwhile here’s further proof that the Time Lords are completely ridiculous

Behold, an ancient and proud race at the center of the galaxy, bankrupting itself by building pretentious structures

I love it

I think Romana already knows that and will probably try to do horrible things to Compassion so you’re not helping, Doctor

teehee

..................I think the writers have no idea what a Klein bottle actually is

Okay so that was where they were previously, then. There’s a gigantic non-euclidian bone-thing floating above Gallifrey, then. Great.

Well isn’t that convenient

The Castellan is now a confirmed shitlord

You do realise that Eight being a Faction agent will be even worse for you right

Ooooh I love this, I’d like to see these cards!

To be honest War!Romana is so different from the usual Romana she might as well be a completely different character

Well, technically, you did.

I’M SCREAMING LOOK AT THIS SHIT ROMANA’S INCARNATION DURING THIS VERSION OF THE TIME WAR IS CALLED THE ‘WAR QUEEN’

I’M HAVING FLASHBACKS FROM THAT MATRIX PROJECTION IN NEVERLAND WHERE ROMANA WAS A HORRIBLE WARMONGERING DICTATOR

They have categories for catastrophic events just like the SCP Foundation, hee hee. Their 'Code Chi Delta Epsilon Class Event’ seems to be the equivalent of our ‘XK Class End-of-the-world Scenario’.

Among other things, we also have “FK-CLASS: Self-sustaining paradox“, “CK-CLASS: Reconfiguration of reality”, “LK-CLASS: Species transmutation“, and “ZK-CLASS: End-of-reality“. The Foundation’s ladder of catastrophic scenarii is very thorough, as you can see.

This last sentence put a very entertaining image in my head.

Wait what are you telling me the founder of the Faction erased himself just to prove a point and the Faction actually has no founder at all

Goddammit

You should ask your other self, Fitz, he would probably have an interesting answer to that question

what thE F█CK HAVE YOU DONE

Oh she actually directly attacked Eight through the records of the Matrix.

Friendly reminder that Eight is still absolutely terrified of hospitals after all this time, which isn’t really a surprise

Oooooh so that thing on the cover of the book is the Edifice!

I’m just going to pretend this is payback for what he did to Compassion because otherwise I’d say “not okay” on a loop

Well-Isn’t-That-Convenient 2: Return of the Convenience

Friendly reminder that Eight can also be creepy as f█ck given the right circumstances

HAHAHA the Faction’s like “ok we don’t know what this thing is, but it looks cool, so we’re going to exploit the hell out of it for shits and giggles and also #aesthetic”

Doctor no

I don’t know what it means but I still like how that sounds.

COMPASSION ARE YOU ALRIGHT

The fact that I actually understood this whole sentence really shows how far down the rabbit hole I am as far as the Doctor Who Extended Universe is concerned

TELL ME SHE’S NOT DEAD THAT WOULD BE A REALLY TERRIBLE ENDING FOR HER CHARACTER

Preventing a war you know will come would actually completely justify Iris’ statement at the end of The Blue Angel, when she said she wouldn’t have to hide Eight in the Obverse because something would prevent the War from happening in the form it was supposed to... be... happening - and my sentence is really really weird I’m sorry

“In absence of other options, Fitz was doing what he did best: feeling incredibly sorry for himself”

Also, I’m starting to notice the plot is slowing down. Please hurry up.

Okay

Okay so you couldn’t possibly know this, but I made a Fitz Kreiner playlist on my mp3 player a few months ago, and the first track of that playlist is The One and Only by Chesney Hawkes.

So. Basically. This is too perfect.

Maybe I should share that playlist but I’m still not too sure about a couple of picks. I think the best ones are Copy of A and Never let me down again.

NO NOT THE BUTTERFLIES NOT OKAY

ASDFGHJKLMSDFGHJ

Hey look it’s a decaying TARDIS turning into a gigantic structure

Okay so, guys, I was only joking about the Neverland parallels so far but there’s more and more of them and so far that audio seems to be the superior version because after some very good 50 first pages The Ancestor Cell is starting to look more and more like a trainwreck in slowmo.

You had a pet canary?

Oh so that’s Three’s TARDIS, actually.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE

I love this band by the way.

OH SHIT FITZ KREINER MET FATHER KREINER

Oh cool Compassion is alive.

Spoke too soon, she’s basically a walking corpse piloted by Nivet.

So basically the TARDIS tried to help and f█cked everything up, then.

I’M HOWLING

IS THAT THE AUTHOR TALKING ABOUT THE FACTION ARC

“Okay so Lawrence Miles’ ideas were interesting but they were a failed experiment and f█cked up the canon so instead of doing something very clever with them like Kate Orman did, I’m just going to dunk them all in the bin”

I have no words

Yes good Compassion is back in control!

Okay so you might not remember this but I have a big headcanon for the Time War(s), and in one of my posts on that topic I wrote “The “last day of the Time War” in the series looks like a “normal” fight between armed forces because the worst of the War is not at the end of it but right in the middle (the War is between forces that have access to time-travel, so they always come back to change things, so the worst parts cannot technically be at the very end).“

THIS HEADCANON IS NO LONGER A HEADCANON & IT FEELS SO GOOD

THANK YOU FOR ADDING EVEN MORE HORRIFYING THINGS TO MY HEADCANON OF THE TIME WAR

YES GOOD FITZ STAND YOUR GROUND

That just made me realise the similarities between Sam and Fitz.

Meanwhile Compassion continues to Not Be Okay At All.

Must admit I laughed, this situation is so ridiculous

Also Romana can’t stand Fitz, no surprise there.

Wait a minute, did the Panopticon lose an entire side?

As I said in a previous liveblog I think at this point Eight can detect anyone talking about Fitz from a mile away.

I’m torn between listening to VNV Nation’s Rubicon and listening to my Light City playlist considering how accidentally fitting most of the songs are so far

Honestly that line is chilling.

He’s becoming paranoid just because of that one line.

Fitz no.

STOP IT YOU TWO YOU HAVE NO RIGHT BEING SO ADORABLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT GIANT TRAINWRECK OF A BOOK

So let me get this clear. You stole that Klein bottle which isn’t at all a Klein bottle and put it in the vortex without realising that would free whatever was trapped inside including Father Kreiner.

How f█cking obtuse are the Time Lords in that book, like, seriously

WELL DOESN’T THAT SOUND FAMILIAR, HELLO THERE, THE DIVERGENTS

Neverland is a better, more refined version of this book I tell you

If there’s one thing which doesn’t change in any continuity it’s the direct involvement of the Doctor in the beginning of the War in one way or another

Yes good

YES GOOD 2: REVENGE OF THE GOOD

OH SHIT THE PANOPTICON IS SHRINKING LIKE SOME SORT OF F█CKED UP FINAL COUNTDOWN

EVERYONE WANTS TO HURT COMPASSION GODDAMMIT WHY

Okay so Tarra is even more messed up than I thought she was, apparently killing your ancestors once is not enough

MEANWHILE THE FITZ vs FATHER KREINER THING CONTINUES TO BREAK MY HEART

I snorted, thank you Fitz, I needed a laugh and you delivered

Remember when the Faction was just a weird small voodoo-like f█cked-up version of the Time Lords and not an invasion force, because apparently only Greyjan remembers that

WHAT DID I JUST SAY, COME ON

OH SHIT OH DAMN FATHER KREINER FINALLY FOUND EIGHT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS EVER SINCE THE CHARACTER APPEARED

PLEASE BOOK YOU CAN MESS UP THE ENTIRE END OF THE FACTION ARC IF YOU WANT BUT AT LEAST DON’T MESS THIS BIT I BEG YOU

The question is, will I be able to stand it if it’s done well

Also incidentally I’m listening to Deception and it makes everything better

I’M NOT SURE I CAN STAND THIS

OKAY NOW I’M DEFINITELY SURE I CAN’T

Eight still hasn’t done or said anything because he’s still processing the information & its implications and this scene is destroying me

I KNOW I’M SCREENING 90% OF THE SCENE AT THIS POINT AND I KNOW THE WAR IS BEGINNING AT THE SAME TIME IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE SAME F█CKING SCENE BUT I’M MORE FOCUSED ON THESE TWO

YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T, DOCTOR

Wait what the f█ck what is he doing here I thought he erased himself from existence just to prove a point

Clearly that’s not enough to stop him from making an appearance

Goddamn Faction Paradox

Okay so Grandfather Paradox is actually the Doctor

Which isn’t very surprising actually

Which also means that’s what Eight is currently turning into because of the Faction Paradox virus he was infected with

Which means Grandfather Paradox technically doesn’t exist yet

Which means Faction Paradox actually created its own founder retroactively

Which is honestly the best thing ever

“Is it always to end in evil”: a brief summary of this entire arc.

Okay so remember that Time War headcanon

Remember there was a line in my chart which represented a hypothetical version of the War which was dominated by the Faction for shits and giggles

This is no longer just a headcanon either

Holy shit

Incidentally “how the Doctor might’ve looked if he’d spent twenty years in the marines” also sounds like a pretty good description of Dark Eyes Eight

Thank you for lightening the mood, Fitz

OH SHIT OH F█CK

OKAY SO HERE’S ALSO AN EARLY VERSION OF THE OMEGA ARSENAL

PLEASE ADD MORE HORRIBLE THINGS TO MY TIME WAR HEADCANON

Also please tell me the Doctor is just faking

Tell me he’s faking because that’s not okay

I can’t believe I’m saying this but it seems like Father Kreiner could save the day just because he wants to kill Eight

FITZ IS STILL SOMEWHERE IN THERE

Still not crying, which is impressive at this point if I might say so myself

Just kill me already

Okay so the Time Lords have a bomb which requires a gallifreyan suicide bomber with a lot of regenerations left to be effective, this was the 7894157th reminder that Gallifrey during the War is f█cked up

Well that was a pretty anticlimactic death for Tarra.

NO YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO KILL FATHER KREINER SO CHEAPLY WHAT THE F█CK IS WRONG WITH YOU

HIS REDEMPTION ARC WAS SINGLEHANDEDLY SALVAGING THIS MESS AND NOW YOU’VE KILLED HIM FOR SHOCK VALUE ARE YOU SERIOUS

IT'S THE FINAAAAAAL COUNTDOOOOOWN ♫

Let me guess

The third option is to destroy absolutely everything

Friendly reminder that Eight is the champion of gallows humor

HE IS GOING TO DESTROY GALLIFREY TO STOP THE WAR

CORRECT ME IF I’M WRONG BUT THAT’S THE FIRST TIME THIS HAPPENS IN ANY CONTINUITY RIGHT

This book may not be good but it certainly left a legacy.

“I’d never be able to live with the memory anyway”

I can’t believe I’m saying this but I wish this was given more weight?

Oh shit there goes nothing

Well there goes Faction Paradox

The authors really weren’t kidding when they said they wanted to dunk every bit of Miles’ legacy into the bin, weren’t they, this is a goddamn purge

My heart

Oh I completely overlooked what it meant for Compassion!

She’s free, so she’s leaving them behind? Fair enough.

WAIT WHAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY LEAVING EIGHT BEHIND WITH JUST SOME INSTRUCTIONS

Ooooh. So he’s got the post-explosion siege-mode like TARDIS with him, but it will take a hundred years to re-grow, so if they just wait for that, Fitz will die long before the TARDIS has re-grown itself. So Compassion’s solution is to dump Eight in 1900 or so and let him wait an entire century to meet Fitz again.

This is both very clever and very cruel.

Fly Compassion, fly, you’re free!

At least her arc had a nice conclusion.

WAIT WHAT THE F█CK THIS DORK HAS AMNESIA AGAIN YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS YOU JUST MADE HIM DESTROY HIS OWN PLANET WHERE’S THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IF HE INSTANTLY FORGETS IT

ALSO I JUST REALISED

HE’S GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT A HUNDRED YEARS ON EARTH UNTIL HE FINDS A FRIEND TO TRAVEL THROUGH SPACE AND TIME AGAIN

CAPTAIN JACK HAS CALLED, HE’S WISHING YOU GOOD LUCK, EIGHT, AND HE SAYS HE’S SORRY FOR YOU IN ADVANCE