JohannesVIII's Doctor Who liveblogs archive: Unnatural History

[Original blog post on Tumblr: December 15th, 2015]

~~Some~~ A metric ton of highlights of the last EDA I’ve read (Unnatural History).

This one won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Like. AT ALL.

I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions. As usual, this is full of spoilers. And extremely long.

This book is a gigantic self indulgent act of war against Doctor Who as a whole. It’s an enormous convoluted mess full of technobabble. The plot is just a big runaround and the characters are constantly returning to the same locations, barely advancing the story. The authors openly mock the fandom and some scenes are deliberately crafted to make some of the fans seethe with rage.

This book is like a giant middle finger. It exists to piss the fans off.

It’s also impossible to put down.

I absolutely love it. 10/10

What the hell is wrong with the numbering of the chapters?!

>Sam why have you forgotten who the Doctor is WHAT IS GOING ON

Dark hair.

Ooooooh. This is the book that finally picks up the “alternative Sam” thread from Alien Bodies, then? That version of Sam never met Eight.

She found the cards sent by the Sam we know? How’s that even possible?

...I like that new Sam a lot, guys.

What the hell Sam just give this damn kid a nice big kick too.

Meanwhile San Francisco is invaded by a lot of cool things.

FITZ NO

DESTROY THAT FEDORA IMMEDIATELY

Fortunately this is only a book, because having to see Fitz doing that on TV would probably kill me with laughter

I really like that mention of years relevant in famous SF works being in the past but in the future from his point of view.

That’s why you don’t send a guy from the sixties investigating strange events in 2002, Doctor. Everything looks a bit weird to him.

MAYDAY MAYDAY THIS IS TOO ADORABLE AND NEEDS TO STOP

Also, friendly reminder that Eight is very claustrophobic AND hates doing nothing so taking the plane isn’t a good idea.

Yes good

Oh my god Eight

Of course Fitz is flirting with the alternative Sam as soon as he meets her.

Of course.

Pffffft

Wait a f█cking second is that book also going to tackle the temporal bullshit that happened at the end of the TV Movie??

“He touched it and turned it impossible”.

So “our” Sam is inside what can only be described as a crack in time that will probably destroy... the city, at the very least, and this alternative Sam may be able to reach her.

HE WANTED HER TO FALL INTO IT AND BRING “OUR” SAM BACK

To be fair “our” Sam is far from perfect but she is preachy, true.

Woah, he must really be out of options.

...Fitz NO

I’m laughing and blushing from secondhand embarrassment at the same time

Oh, they found the weird murderous kid again.

Wait a f█CKING SECOND THE KID IS FROM FACTION PARADOX?!

Also known as “that weird paradox the Doctor used to free himself from the Pandorica”. I guess that Faction kid is a fan of Eleven.

Which, to be fair, isn’t far from the truth.

Please stop being so adorable I beg you

Oooooh I almost completely forgot that One used to smoke.

S am, he isn’t interested. You’re just making him uncomfortable. Stop.

SAM

WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY

THIS IS BOTH EMBARRASSING AND HILARIOUS

SHE JUST MENTALLY CALLED HIM A “BACK-RUB SLUT”

MY GOD

SAM THIS IS A BAD IDEA AND IT WILL NEVER EVER WORK

TOLD YOU

NOW LEAVE HIM ALONE & DON’T GO ALL AMY POND ON HIM PLEASE

No Fitz actually you have perfect timing thank you for stopping Sam

asdfghjkasdfghjk

Who is that guy?

No seriously, who is that guy?

We won’t get an explanation apparently so I’m just going to assume he’s some kind of exiled Gallifreyan, like Professor Chronotis from Shada.

OH, so Fitz is trying to be nicer because that new Sam is less nice. Actually, that’s great news. Please do that, Fitz.

Also Fitz is getting mugged by a unicorn in an alley.

I can’t believe I wrote this.

WHAT THE F█CK WHAT BOX WHAT HOW

This scene is absolutely glorious and also extremely relatable

So, some sort of customizable army arrived in San Francisco by mistake like all the other strange things that arrived by mistake, and unfortunately one guy decided to give them instructions. I like this.

Also, there’s a lovecraftian Kraken in the bay?!

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO SAM

I THOUGHT SHE HAD ONLY ONE ALTERNATIVE SELF

HELP

So there’s this phenomenon that happens from time to time and menaces to rewrite Sam’s history entirely. Hmm.

If it was the Doctor’s history, conservative fans would be screaming right now. But as I’m writing this I realise that they were probably already screaming bloody murder when Sam tried to get into his pants.

Okay so first, this is incredibly cute, and second, the Doctor effectively told her to decide what was canon in her own life and what wasn’t.

I’m starting to love this book. Nothing has been this meta since The Scarlet Empress. Or since Alien Bodies, which was like a (brilliant) list of complaints about the format of the TV series.

They’ve been captured by the person who’s ginving orders to the customizable army and I sincerely hope these aren’t actual nails??

EXTRADIMENSIONAL SURGERY

HOW F█CKING COOL IS THAT

The habitat? Is the villain some sort of zoologist??

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HIM PLEASE STOP

Poor Fitz’s hands are shaking and I’m not feeling great either, that scene was damn cool but also very unsettling.

SO HE *IS* SOME SORT OF ZOOLOGIST HOLY SHIT

Poor Eight can’t see violet shades anymore - also that implies he could see ultraviolets before.

Fitz is getting quite good at dodging enthusiastic kisses!

!!!

Sooooo... the “ley lines” over the city are actually Eight’s personal timeline/biodata that was scattered by the events of the TV Movie.

And an extradimensional zoologist is toying with them.

I love this idea.

All this “right angles of space” stuff reminds me of the Hounds of Tindalos. That’s an extremely good thing because that’s exactly the kind of concept the series should use more often.

Eight trying to talk to very intimidating unicorns, everybody.

At least he isn’t getting mugged by them.

Oh so that’s why the book is titled like that!

This particular excerpt sounds so bonkers out of context that I just had to screen it.

I just realised that all this revolution talk was probably giving horrible flashbacks from Revolution Man to Fitz.

...I knew it.

This Sam doesn’t even know Lord of the Rings is a book.

Do not talk about this ever again Sam.

Okay so I wasn’t kidding about the Hounds of Tindalos thing. The villain has literally the same ability to find angles in reality and go through them. Also, friendly reminder that this is REALLY F█CKING COOL

I’m not sure he could, Sam.

Griffin sounds like one of these conservative fans I was talking about earlier.

OH

MY

F█CKING

GOD

OKAY

OKAY

OH F█CK I JUST MADE AN INHUMAN NOISE WHILE READING THIS

GRIFFIN IS LITERALLY A VILLAIN BASED ON A CONSERVATIVE FAN

HE WANTS TO TAKE THE GIANT MESS THAT IS THE CANON OF DOCTOR WHO AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING UNIFIED AND SIMPLE AND I’M ACTUALLY SCREAMING

THIS IS THE ULTIMATE DOCTOR WHO VILLAIN

Holy shit Griffin

You know what, I’m completely okay with this.

I’m pretty sure Fitz is completely okay with this, too.

See, no complaining. Please kiss him again.

asdfghjklazsdfghjkasdfghjkl

GRIFFIN CAN ROTATE OBJECTS AND PEOPLE PERPENDICULARLY TO OUR SPACE THIS IS SO DAMN COOL

So if you try to summon a Faction Paradox agent, he’s just standing there watching you summon him. Perfect.

I WAS ONLY JOKING ABOUT THAT GUY BEING A FAN OF ELEVEN BUT NOW LOOK AT THIS SHIT, THIS IS FAR TOO PERFECT

Hmmmmm nOPE

Now I’m picturing that guy photoshopping shadows out of photos and posting them under the “aesthetic” tag, thank you for that mental image.

Why am I not surprised.

Something like a missing episode maybe.

Oh this is much better. A memory from the Doctor’s childhood designed to piss off fans by referencing things from Lungbarrow and the TV movie at the same time.

GOOD

PLEASE GO ON

I have no words

HARSHER IN HINDSIGHT

Holy shit this book keeps blowing my mind and I still have no idea if it’s accidental or if future writers decided to build on it.

Come to the Faction, we have impossible fractal cookies.

Oh, back to Fitz and Sam.

I still can’t believe the book went there.

This is so different from anything I’d expect from a Doctor Who story and yet I still have zero problems with that.

MAYDAY MAYDAY THIS IS YET ANOTHER VERSION OF SAM

Fitz is a surprisingly sweet guy once you remove all the bullshit flirting and the made-up identities. He’s so far from the person he was in The Taint that I’m almost sorry for calling him a “terrible human being”.

Do you really want to know?

I’m getting unexpectedly emotional about all this

Oh, that’s clever of him, I like that.

THIS IS SO DAMN COOL

THIS IS ALSO VERY STRESSFUL TO READ

CONCERN FOR FITZ KREINER INTENSIFIES

There are beings so complex that even a being like Griffin finds them incomprehensible and strange. I feel a bit dizzy.

This book is just brilliant. So far, three books in the range have tried to ponder over what makes Doctor Who what it is and where you can go with its concept, and they’ve all done so in very different ways.

Alien Bodies was like a list of complaints against the format of the TV series, showing that the possibilities opened by its concept weren’t fully exploited.

The Scarlet Empress was a celebration of the power of storytelling, showing that stories have power and can change the world for the better.

Unnatural History, meanwhile, is a full-blown war against the concept of fixed canon and tells us that fans who want to “fix” inconsistencies are effectively destroying the show. It’s aggressively meta.

And I love it.

CONCERN FOR EIGHT INTENSIFIES

When you put it like this, it sounds really weird.

Oh my god

Beautiful

I’M SCREAMING

LOOK AT THIS SHIT

SAM IS JUST TRYING TO INVENT SOME BULLSHIT TO DISTRACT GRIFFIN AND COMES UP WITH THE HYBRID MEME 16 YEARS BEFORE IT ACTUALLY STARTED

WHAT THE HELL

THERE’S EVEN A PROPHECY

TOO PERFECT

“DEATH BY EXPOSITION”

THERE ARE ACTUAL TEARS OF LAUGHTER IN MY EYES

I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SHIT IS REAL

Sam is starting to like this new life a lot and I’m not sure I want the “old” Sam to come back, now.

Okay I have no idea what this is referencing but I need to know.

I have no words

Who the hell is Joyce, seriously? Are we ever going to know?

I don’t want to disappoint you, Joyce, but he already did and he didn’t like it very much.

Jim Mortimore has called, he wants his formatting back.

“Don’t you have anything better to do with your life”

I DON’T EVEN CARE IF SHE DIDN’T BRUISE HIM, IT WAS STILL EXTREMELY SATISFYING

Woah there Griffin, I don’t want to sound rude or rain on your parade or anything but you gotta admit this is a terrible headcanon

The other brilliant thing about that villain is how familiar he feels. We all know someone like that, don’t we?

GET HIM OUT OF HERE

I want to hug Fitz and rock back and forth

At this point I don’t think they have another option than listening to the small Faction Paradox agent, to be honest.

Teehee

HE’S SO DESESPERATE HE TRIED TO ENTER THE TARDIS EVEN SO HE KNOWS THE TARDIS IS IN PIECES AND INSIDE THE CRACK IN TIME

NOT EVEN ELEVEN DID SOMETHING THAT RECKLESS IN SERIES 5

I’m getting surprisingly emotional about this too

Wait so the “Wild Hunt” that keeps changing Sam is actually a physical manifestation of the instability and fluidity of the canon?

Holy shit.

Hmmmmm nope

SHE’S RUNNING WITH THE WILD HUNT ASDFGHJK

THE CONCEPT OF THE DOCTOR IS ACTUALLY LEADING THE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF THE CHAOTIC DOCTOR WHO CANON

I NEED TO FIND SOMEONE WHO’S READ THIS BOOK SO WE CAN SCREAM ABOUT IT TOGETHER

I just realised there was still an option left to solve the crisis but it was such an awful one that I had actually forgotten it entirely

I AGREE THIS ISN’T FAIR

WAIT A F█CKING SECOND

SHE’S NOT JUST REACHING FOR “OLD” SAM

SHE’S HACKING HER OWN BIODATA TO CREATE HER BASED ON WHAT SHE KNOWS ABOUT “OLD” SAM

ALTERNATIVE SAM CREATED “OUR” SAM HOLY F█CKING SHIT