Alien Bodies

 [Original blog post on Tumblr: April 2nd, 2015]

I’ve just finished Alien Bodies (an EDA by Lawrence Miles) and, uh, I feel like standing up and applauding. I don’t think I’ve loved a book this much since the first time I’ve read Weaveworld (Clive Barker) two years ago. Or Neverwhere (Neil Gaiman) seven years ago.

So you know what’s coming up next, right? I’m just going to gush about it. Like, a lot. There will be spoilers. Also, this is probably one of the longest posts I’ve ever made about anything, ever. [2022 note: oh you sweet summer child]

This is basically retroactive liveblogging, since I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions. I’m just posting everything now.

 

Okay book, calm down, the story hasn’t even started yet and you’re already better than the previous EDA.

 
THREE AND SARAH JANE ARE BURYING LAIKA ON AN ALIEN PLANET

MY HEART

 Eight doesn’t know how to play chess anymore. Why am I not surprised.

Okay Mr Qixotl first your name is made of win, and second yoU HAVE A SECURITY SYSTEM BASED ON CAT PISS THIS IS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN

I take it back. Mr Shift is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. Slightly creepy, too.

And god damn it this is only page 18 and there’s like one incredibly cool idea every two pages. 

YES

YES PLEASE

Oh my god this idea itself could make an entire book and yet it is just a quick footnote in this one. I’m having The Doctor’s Wife flashbacks. Pretty sure this would be awful if you used it to manipulate a TARDIS with people inside.

 

I knEW IT

 
WHAT

WHAT THE WHAT

HUMANOID TARDISES WHAT

THIS IS WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS BUT also extremely cool I’m not going to lie BUT STILL THE CREEPIEST THING IN THIS BOOK SO FAR

I take it back

NEVERMIND I TAKE IT BACK

This is Trask. Trask is dead. And he’s creepy as f█ck

 
IS THIS TURNING INTO A COMPETITION FOR “CREEPIEST CHARACTER OF THE YEAR”

MY GOD

I love it please go on

 “Security devices would take one look at him and give up” okay best description of the Doctor in quite some time

 YEAH WELL TRY TO LOOK MENACING WITH A BABY FACE AND FLOPPY CURLS

 
OKAY I DIDN’T KNOW THE WHOLE FACTION PARADOX THING STARTED IN THIS BOOK AND THIS IS NOW 50% BETTER

Also I’m not going to go in details but biodata is a very good concept too, I wish the series used it more often.

Oh my god

 
So they’re wearing the skulls of future Timelords who never existed, I didn’t know that

This should be scary, but I made a little happy noise when I first read this, because let’s face it, it’s too cool to be scary

 
HAHA HA NO

JUST NO

MARIE THE HUMANOID TARDIS IS SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS

Wait I’m having Absolution flashbacks, what happens when a Type 103 TARDIS is torn apart? What if it’s shrunk down like in Flatline? I’m not sure I want to know

Even the chapter titles are f█cking awesome, look at this.

 
adssgsgdfghf

I JUST SAID “I’M NOT SURE I WANT TO KNOW”

MY GOD

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO REPAIR HER NOW

THAT WAS A RETHORICAL QUESTION I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW THAT BUT YES ACTUALLY I WANTED TO KNOW THAT BUT UGH THank you I guess

 
Hahah a ha nO

Was “being creepy” a requirement to be invited to the auction? (because yes, this in an auction, but we don’t know what’s being auctioned)

 I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE

So this is not the Time War. But I’m sorry I’m just going to fit it into my big global headcanon about the Time War having a ton of alternative versions and timelines with a ton of different outcomes. 

Oh my god

That’s

Okay

Perfect

This book just keeps on getting better and better and shows no sign of stopping, please go on little book, follow your dreams

That’s only page 67, my god

 
This makes a weird kind of sense

It shouldn’t

But it does

Sorry but is this book basically the whole Name of the Doctor//Trenzalore arc done RIGHT AND WRITTEN COMPETENTLY WITH TONS OF CREATIVITY TO BACK IT UP

Yes please give me more ideas for the Time War headcanons while making The Day of the Doctor’s depiction of the Time War even duller than it was already

Please do it

Thank you very much

So basically that’s what Rassilon was planning to do in The End of Time, with the Timelords ascending to become concepts. I was already constantly thinking “hey so Big Finish did that first” when I was listening to the audios, but now I can add “hey the books did that first” to the mix.

THIS AUCTION IS GETTING BETTER BY THE MINUTE

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE

Yes please, alien technology not fit for humans, we need more things like that, that should be an omnipresent trope in science fiction but strangely it’s rarer than it should be.

So THAT’S how his pockets work. At least in this book. Interesting.

Okay so that really weird and awesome thing just killed two Daleks in their own spaceship, way to make a good first impression, you go unknown alien thing

 
WAIT WHAT

THAT’S

THAT’S A KROTON NO YOU’RE JOKING

YOU JUST MADE THE KROTONS BADASS AND CONCEPTUALLY INTERESTING

THE

KROTONS

HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE

 

Be right back, laughing forever

 

SECURITY SYSTEMS BASED ON YOUR OWN BIODATA TURNING AGAINST YOU AND EXPLOITING YOUR OWN WEAKNESSES

Can this book get any better

IT CAN

THE AWARD FOR THE BEST DIALOGUE EVER GOES TO THIS PAGE

Wait what

 
WAIT

WHAT

 Yes I agree with you Qixotl, wiping whole planets is boring and cliché. Also, the Shift is still a perfect mix of surreal, creepy and funny.

 “It was a Kroton thing”

“CLOTHES SO BRIGHT THEY SEEMED DELIBERATELY DESIGNED TO JAM KROTON SENSORY SYSTEMS” I’M HOWLING

 So there’s two versions of Sam, then. I’m not very fond of her so far, so I’m rather pleased to see her turning into some sort of mystery. Not that I usually like that, but at least it adds something to her character instead of undermining it.

Okay even when the Shift outs itself as a villain and makes everyone fight each other Eight is stILL SUPER NICE AND POLITE ABOUT IT

“IT SEEMED LIKE SUCH A GOOD IDEA”

 Heyyy Caerdroia flashbacks, hello, that sounds like Kro’ka’s methods. The Shift is cooler than Kro‘ka, though.

 PRETTY BIG REVELATIONS ARE HAPPENING BUT ALL I CAN DO IS LAUGH LIKE AN IDIOT ABOUT EIGHT’S IMAGINARY CHAIR BECOMING A BEAN-BAG

 Did I mention I liked how this book is written

 

THE SHIFT USED TO BE A PERSON

THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN OBVIOUS BUT IT HURTS ME IN UNEXPECTED WAYS

This sounds extremely ominous.

 
The Doctor telepathically talKING TO HIS OWN FUTURE CORPSE

Every time I think this book can’t get better, it does

Good old attention deficit, Eight’s worst enemy

 

DID

DID YOU JUST

This sounds exactly like stuff from one of my old recurring nightmares so it’s way more disquieting than it should be.

OBVIOUSLY TRASK WAS A PERSON TOO BUT I DIDN’T THINK OF THE IMPLICATIONS oh my god the poor guy

Wait I sense parallels with Seven’s regeneration into Eight here, is that on purpose? Because that would be amazing if it was, it’s discrete enough.

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS READ THE SMALL LETTERS BEFORE SIGNING ANYTHING ESPECIALLY IF IT INVOLVES YOUR OWN DAMN BODY

HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE

Please don’t use a cop-out ending, book, you’re better than that

 Okay so the Shift was trapped inside Eight’s mind, so it was marked by the Celestis instead of Eight. This is a very clever solution and I applaud.

Poor Shift, though D:

He’s

going to bury himself

next to Laika

I have no words, it’s too perfect

 
And they both became a miniature star

That’s

That’s the best ending ever

Can I marry this book

Is it legal

I’m not even kidding, this is one of my favorite books of all time now. It’s not just an amazing Doctor Who book, it’s an amazing SF book, period. Incredibly good ideas on almost every page, and when it’s not throwing awesome new concepts at you, it takes things that were already in the series and makes them better. I can’t believe this exists in the same series as the previous book (War of the Daleks was abysmal). Standing ovation, please. 10/10