Longest Day

[Original blog post on Tumblr: May 22nd, 2015]

Some highlights of the latest EDA I’ve read (Longest Day).

This isn’t exactly a review, more like some sort of retroactive liveblogging, since I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions.

I liked this one. The Kusks weren’t very interesting and most of the secondary characters were forgettable (with a couple of exceptions), but the concept of a planet divided into multiple time fields rented to people who want to hide things is a very good one and it was used rather well. Not at all one of the best EDAs I’ve read so far (Vampire Science and Alien bodies are a lot better), but definitely in the top third as far as the first ten books are concerned. 6/10

One of the best descriptions of Eight’s TARDIS so far in my humble opinion - “he made it look like a cross between an old cathedral and a music hall AND FILLED IT WITH JUNK”

The Doctor has a Lego file, why am I not surprised.

…

SAM NO

YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT AFTER SAYING YOU DIDN’T FANCY HIM IN, LIKE, THE PREVIOUS BOOK

SAM HE CAN PROBABLY GUESS WHAT YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT AND THAT MUST BE VERY AWKWARD SO PLEASE JUST STOP BECAUSE HE’S NOT INTERESTED, LIKE, AT ALL

I spat on my screen

A++ use of a description cut, right here

Good thinking Eight

 YOU F█CKING DORK

Okay I’ve said it already in my review, but I love this concept. The planet is a gigantic dumping ground used by terrible people across the galaxy, and they also put convicts or experiments they want to hide in some of the zones (also the sky is pink. PINK). 

 Also I love how the humanoid characters they meet do not look quite human, for example the women have secondary eyelids and a bifid tongue and the men have very long eyelashes (the fact that Sam has a “man’s” tongue confuses them a lot).

Holy shit is this Hellraiser all of a sudden, the Kusks may be one-note villains but at least they know how to make an impression

 “She’s English and noisy”

So that’s why the book is called Longest Day, then. Interesting.

 F█CK YOU SANGTON

F█CK
YOU

SANGTON

 YES GOOD I LIKE WEIRD TEMPORAL SHENANIGANS

This is really cool but can wE GET BACK TO SAM WHO’S FORCED TO KILL TWO GUYS AND LET THE OTHER GUYS LOSE AN ARM OR DO NOTHING AND LET EVERYONE DIE

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE’S GOING TO DO

 Well I WASN’T EXPECTING THAT

The poor ‘George’ must hear them talk like an accelerated record with chipmunk voices.

 
SAM NO

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY HITTING ON TANHITH WHILE HE’S LITERALLY DYING

I was just starting to like you please don’t ruin everything

Well at least that’s better than that diary in the first Resident Evil.

Still. Nashaad has metal legs.

Sorry to disagree with you Anstaar but I must admit all of this is really fascinating even if it is rather horrible.

The time trees from Genocide are back! :D

Okay, everyone, meet Nashaad. Nashaad has metal legs.

 
Nashaad also happens to be my favorite secondary character in this book. Maybe it’s the thing with the legs that reminds me of the (far less cool) contraptions I had to strap to my legs back when I was a kid. I don’t know. Probably.

Also, Nashaad likes to watch the colours and I’m starting to identify a lot with this guy thIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL IS IT PLEASE SEND HELP

Anstaar has aged a lot in a couple of seconds, I know this is a rather common trope but I like the Doctor’s reaction anyway.

HARSHER IN HINDSIGHT

 
…

…he’s got pockets the size of a car trunk and yet he hid that in his trousers

Are we not going to talk about that

YES ANSTAAR PLEASE END THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT THERE

YOU GO NASHAAD, YOU AND YOUR METAL LEGS

NO NASHAAD DON’T TRY TO BE NICE TO THE KUSK

YOU’RE TOO PURE FOR THIS AWFUL WORLD

NASHAAD NOOOOOOOOOOOO

R.I.P. Nashaad

You had metal legs

I’m not okay

NO

NO SAM NO

SERIOUSLY YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T FANCY HIM IN THE PREVIOUS BOOK

STOP. WHY

“Like huge, screaming skittles” I’m hoWLING

That Kusk was pwned by a time tree, a sentence I’d never thought I’d write one day. People getting pwned by time trees: only in a Doctor Who novel.

EIGHT WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THE MOST DANGEROUS AND PAINFUL THINGS TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS

Like this idiot said in Alien Bodies “It seemed like such a good idea”

YEAH WHAT DID YOU EXPECT

You probably expected it but you did it anyway

Sam, he isn’t dead, and you should know better than that, don’t do something awful like leaving him behind because you think he’s dead, because that sounds exactly like the situation at the end of The Girl Who Never Was

SAM YOU LEFT HIM BEHIND DIDN’T YOU. OH MY GOD

YOU HAD ONE JOB, SAM

ONE JOB