The Slow Empire

[Original blog post on Tumblr: May 23rd, 2017]

 

Some highlights of the last EDA I’ve read (The Slow Empire).

I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions. As usual, this is full of spoilers.

What the hell was that.

Is the author trying to make a point about stories in the age of Internet? Maybe. It certainly looks like it at some point. Is he aiming for dream-logic? If so, he’s failing. Is he just being verbose for the sake of it? I don’t know. Maybe. One thing for sure: what passes for the plot is entirely based on a pun.

What makes it worse is that none of the regulars are written consistently (especially Anji), but hey, look, there’s an excuse for that in the plot! Except it doesn’t make sense even when the characters mention it. So yeah.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a couple of great ideas there! And a few lovely scenes too! But without any solid plot or characters to back them up, they’re just isolated nuggets of brilliance in an aimless, verbose desert. 2,5/10

---

Okay I’m gonna stop you right there, that font would be okay in a comic but as a block of text, it’s hurting my brain.

On the other hand, I want to frame this sentence.

Or this entire summary, for that matter.

If we ever need more reasons to be scared of Seven, here’s one.

Yes but we’re 15 pages in already, so I hope not.

Nice.

On the list of stuff I need to draw at some point: the Stellarium.

Little moments like this, with companions just goofing around in the TARDIS, are really something I appreciate in these books.

Eh eh eh

You don’t say.

Going from the previous screen to this one took six pages. I have a bad feeling about this book now. As Eight would put it, “this is very bad indeed.”

Okay, I get it now: the author is a troll. Because here’s what happened to that other character: he used several pages just to say he fell asleep.

Eight is in full-on euphemism mode today.

Oh Eight.

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE ALL OF YOU

Jamon we’re already at one quarter of the story and nothing much has happened yet, don’t make it worse please

What the hell are you doing

On the scale of Ridiculous Escape Attempts I give it a solid 7/10

I concur.

In a way, the author’s a genius; he’s paid to write ten lines where one would be enough. That’s very much like what I used to do at the faculty when I had to write ten pages on a topic I didn’t care about.

I concur².

Interesting.

That’s also interesting.

Great atmosphere here!

Congratulations: you’ve ruined it!

This is all very nice but why do I get the feeling that this plot thread won’t go anywhere either?

Eight, stop talking like Six.

Also is the book about storytelling? Is that why half of it is narrated by Jamon?

Best scene so far.

I’m curious now. What story is Eight going to tell? He was certainly good at telling stories in The Scarlet Empress. Which was also about storytelling. And also much better.

Probably Jamon, because we need to up the word count

Well doesn’t that sound familiar

Let Eight tell a story now, please.

NeverMIND

Oh my god

That could be a lot of things in this series.

I kinda like this character, though.

Relatable.

I was starting to wonder when Eight would get hurt.

I snorted

SAME, ANJI. SAME.

Hmmmm no. Nu-uh. Nope.

AQZSDFGHJK

DOCTOR YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR CHEST COULD YOU PLEASE FOCUS

EIGHT THAT WAS ALMOST A PARODY OF YOURSELF

That’s all nice and good but meanwhile we’re still searching for the plot

“Yet again”

ARE YOU TELLING ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT MIGHT HAPPEN AT LAST

What

Oh. Okay. They’re all in a different kind of narrative structure. I get it.

Yeah, yeah I got it. You can stop now.

This actually goes on for 15 pdf pages.

Don’t believe me? Anji’s out of it and it’s still going on for the other two.

Thank you Doctor for making it stop.

Well since you asked, you’ve been acting as if you were written by a guy who doesn’t know how to write you but is still trying to pretend it’s a plot point

I have no words

Wait a fucking second, is this entire thing just a convoluted way of saying Internet is destroying fiction?

INCLUDING ME

THERE'S ONLY THIRTY PAGES LEFT THOUGH, I'M SURE YOU COULD STILL PAD IT A BIT MORE 

And here we have the author admitting the whole story had no point until now. Amazing.

Yeah, I agree, this is all a bit embarrassing, really. And I haven't even screened most of Anji's ooc moments.

...what passes for a plot is based on a terrible pun. My god.

Oh, so the transfer machines have a huge fault, then. Is that all?

Yeah, yeah I got it.

This is kinda reminiscent of The Unquiet Dead.

I love how Eight keeps throwing his companions away from dangerous situations. He did that with Fitz in Coldheart too.

Yeah let's not do that ever again actually

I'd say "pretty anticlimactic" but that would imply there were any kind of expectations

YOU DON'T SAY, JAMON

Hey there’s notes from the author, too. I haven't read them while reading the story. Let's see.

Fitz no

Oh my god.

Are you... are you advertising your other books now

I don't know if I admire you or hate you for admitting this. I really don't know.

This might be the first time I've read a terrible book which actually convinces me its author is somebody interesting and funny, because at least it was bad in an interesting way. Maybe his other books are better. We'll see.