Beltempest

[Original blog post on Tumblr: October 9th, 2015]

Some highlights of the last EDA I’ve read (Beltempest).

This isn’t exactly a review, more like some sort of retroactive liveblogging, since I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions. As usual, this is full of spoilers.

What could possibly go wrong?

Beltempest is a very experimental book. Its format is downright ludicrous at times (not unlike the less extreme parts of House of Leaves). The plot is mostly presented as a series of vignettes, from the point of view of different characters. There are mindbogglingly strange lifeforms trying to communicate with humans through hallucinations and dreams. And the scope of the story is literally astronomical, with a dying sun threatening twenty-three planets, most of them inhabited by sentient life. And death and destruction on a biblical scale. It’s extremely ambitious.

The biggest flaw of the book is that its extras aren’t very memorable, but it does very interesting things with the two main characters. Eight is well-written, cute and charming but also a bit unsettling and definitely alien, something a lot of writers tend to forget. And then there’s Sam. As you might already know I have a couple of problems with Sam (when she’s well-written (Seeing I), she really shines, but most of the time, she isn’t). And here, Sam seems to be back to her earlier, slightly annoying preachy self who accidentally causes death everywhere she goes. Except it WORKS. Because the writer found a way to make it work. A weird, twisted, absurd way to make it work. 9/10

...

I’ve only read the dedication page and I’m already confused.

The introduction has barely started and there’s already death everywhere.

So that system’s sun was a dying red star, then a triple eclipse occurred and somehow the star got dark.

Hmmm.

Okay so that Skywatcher is named after the one that died, he’s not the same guy. And now the sun is back. Why? WHO THE HELL KNOWS

That was the introduction. Maybe the chapters will be less confusing. Or at least not as obsessed with despair and death.

SPOKE TOO SOON

WHY ISN’T HE DEAD

WHAT IS GOING ON - HELP

This is 100% adorable and weird at the same time and I love Eight okay.

You already knew that.

But that was a friendly reminder.

Also a friendly reminder that Eight is a Nightmare Fuel Station Attendant.

Sam, considering you are a walking hazard to anyone’s life, I doubt having a kid is a particularly good idea.

I WASN’T EXPECTING THAT AND NOW I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING

ALSO GUESS WHAT THEY ARE SEPARATED AGAIN IN THIS STORY, I KNOW, RIGHT, WHAT A SURPRISE

Well that was brutal.

DON’T ANAESTHETISE THE DOCTOR WHILE A DISASTER OF APOCALYPTIC PROPORTIONS IS IN PROGRESS YOU JERKS

This is veeeeery reminiscent of Grace. I guess there are more surgeons obsessed with classical music in the universe that one might expect.

Meanwhile Eight has sealed some breaches in the hull basically by stealing everyone’s clothes while singing a song about digging holes.

I have no words

Eight keeps various kinds of chocolates in his pockets, pass it on.

The parallel is a bit forced, but you know what? I like it anyway.

I kinda want to cry and laugh at the same time too to be honest because we are only on page 35 and everyone is already dead or dying or in extreme danger.

AND THEN THERE’S THIS ASSHOLE WHO’S GIVING DEADLY WAFERS TO PEOPLE IN A GARDEN

WHAT THE HELL MAN

HMMMM NOPE

AND THEN THERE’S THIS OTHER ASSHOLE WHO’S GIVING DIFFERENT WAFERS THAT SOMEHOW GRANT IMMORTALITY BUT THE PRICE IS THAT YOU ARE IN CONSTANT AGONY WHEN YOU SHOULD BE DEAD

ALL ABOARD THE NOPE TRAIN TO NOPEVILLE

DOCTOR STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR FOBWATCH THIS INSTANT

That wasn’t a 100% perfect way to avoid a tsunamy but still, great job.

And they surfed on the next tsunamy on an enormous raft, which completely accidentally saved a city too. So far, so good.

Ooooh that is cool.

HAHAHA TWENTY-TWO INHABITED PLANETS AROUND A DYING STAR, THAT’S NOT A GOOD RECIPE FOR AN APOCALYPSE OR ANYTHING

Sam has found a lost, wounded kid.

I have a bad feeling about this.

I WAS RIGHT

I WAS RIGHT AND IT ONLY TOOK THREE PAGES

NO DON’T GIVE HIM ONE OF THESE AWFUL THINGS DON’T

This book has decided to break Sam. Somehow I approve.

I’m confused too

Just in case what? Just in case you’d need lilies?

YES PLEASE GIVE THE UNDEAD KID BACK TO HIS PARENTS SAM

...

You know what, it had never occured to me before, but Eight might just like butterflies so much because they remind him of his companions in a way.

And now I’ve made myself sad.

I prefer this version of Occam’s Razor.

OH

MY GOD

PLEASE GO ON

AZSDFGHJKLAQZSDFGHJKL

GOOD

Does this mean Sam is going to leave soon? That looks like foreshadowing.

Wait what the hell? Sam never had a car. That can’t be a flashback.

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO SAM

I'm still very confused but I think there’s an entity trying to talk to all the other intelligent species in the Bel system through hallucinations and dream-states.

That feels a bit less like an acid trip now. Please go on.

A++

DOCTOR: Well, I must have mumbled, and then everyone was talking about a wedding before her father returned to say no, and I couldn't see her beforehand, and none of her courtiers wanted to listen when I said I didn't want to marry her, and one thing led to another-
CHARLEY: And you did a runner.
DOCTOR: It was either that or become part of British history. 

How the hell could you escape from a cell with the contents of your pockets

How the hell is that supposed to work

HOW THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO WORK

HOLY SHIT OKAY NEVERMIND THAT WAS ACTUALLY BRILLIANT

I know this is a long screenshot but this landscape is incredibly beautiful and I wanted to save it somewhere.

Are you telling me the immortal “endless” people are now a hivemind gestalt entity? This is exactly what we needed.

NOPE

One of the best general descriptions of the Doctor imho.

What did you expect Conaway, that book was written by Jim Mortimore.

Holy shit.

NOW ISN’T THE BEST TIME FOR MORE HALLUCINATIONS, UNKNOWN ENTITY TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH SAM

WHAT THE F█CK WHAT THE F█CK WHAT THE F█CK

ME NEITHER

Oh. Okay.

As usual the Doctor fails to understand the concept of personal space.

HOLY SHIT SAM NO THIS IS THE WORST IDEA YOU’VE EVER HAD

CONCERN FOR SAM JONES INTENSIFIES

WHAT

NO F█CK YOU TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED TO SAM

Uh. So the Hoth are gigantic formless entities. And they are the ones trying to communicate with Sam to tell her that a different species will die if they don’t let the star go extinct.

That’s not the Hoth.

So there’s a second mysterious species that arrived in the Bel system?

There’s also a third mysterious species in the Bel system and I think that’s the species the Hoth are “talking” about...?

Meanwhile Eight is looking for survivors of the crash with opera-glasses.

CHARLEY: Oh, I love lightning, don't you? So scary and powerful.DOCTOR: I know what you mean, Charley, I know what you mean.

WAIT WHAT THE F█CK HOW DOES THAT WORK

FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT THE DOCTOR IS AN ALIEN AND SLIGHTLY UNCANNY AT TIMES

OH F█CK, BACK TO SAM

CONCERN FOR SAM REACHES CRITICAL LEVELS

BEING “ENDLESS” IN A PLACE UNSUITABLE FOR HUMAN LIFE HURTS SO MUCH SHE TRIED TO KILL HERSELF BUT FAILED BECAUSE SHE CAN’T EVEN DIE ANYMORE HOLY SHIT

NOT OKAY

What the hell is wrong with this planet?

Oooooooh, so it’s not one. Okay, that kind of makes sense.

Wait. Is that a living being? That could be the mysterious second species.

Oh my god

Sam is “endless”, and in pain, and has decided to crash on the Hoth who tries to communicate with her. This isn’t okay.

OKAY WHAT THE HELL

NOW THE DOCTOR IS IN SOME SORT OF DREAM-STATE TOO AND HE THINKS HE’S BEING CUT OPEN TO DELIVER A BABY

I MEAN

Oh so that’s what she’s trying to do!

He’s all right.

I shouldn’t be laughing so much while billions of people in the Bel system are dead/dying/in pain/endless, but here we are.

Okay.
Let’s recap. There’s an enormous entity incubating in the Bel star (Kill the Moon anyone), which is the baby of a species that looks like entire planets. They have communicated this fact to Eight and Conaway by sending them some sort of hallucination in which they were giving birth and throwing the newborn into the sun. Meanwhile, the Hoth told Sam a different species is threatened by this whole thing and we still don’t know what it is.

And meanwhile the interplanetary apocalypse is still going on.

Go on.

This book is very confusing but also kinda brilliant in its own weird way.

See what I mean?

SEE WHAT I MEAN

WAIT HOLD ON A MINUTE

“THE LIFE INSIDE HER” - ARE THE “ENDLESS” PEOPLE THE HOSTS OF THE MYSTERIOUS THIRD SPECIES EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW

Ooooooh so the second species was the one responsible for the incomprehensible triple eclipse in the introduction!

Do nothing and Bel dies, do something and Bel dies. How the hell are you supposed to get out of this one.

“HEYYYY ONLY TWENTY PAGES LEFT LET’S CRANK THE APOCALYPSE LEVEL TO ELEVEN OUT OF TEN”

OKAY THIS IS ACTUALLY BRILLIANT

THIS BOOK IS TURNING SAM, THE SLIGHTLY ANNOYING PREACHY SJW WHO KEEPS TRYING TO SAVE PEOPLE AND FAILS, INTO A F█CKING HERALD OF THE APOCALYPSE TRYING TO SAVE BILLIONS BUT ACTUALLY DOOMING THEM ALL AND I LOVE IT OKAY

[insert yet another “I hate the trolley problem” tag by JohannesVIII here]

Oh my god Sam

Hahaha she’s kind of scary now too.

OKAY I’M OFFICIALLY CALLING THIS VERSION OF SAM “SAM I AM”.

Eight you’re still kind of adorable even when you’re yelling.

YES GOOD I WAS RIGHT

How the hell are you going to solve that with only like ten pages left

WAIT A SECOND

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT’S THE SAME SITUATION AS “THE EMPTY CHILD” AND I HAVEN’T EVEN NOTICED

“SAM I AM” IS SOME SORT OF SUPERPOWERED EMPTY CHILD HOLY SHIT

I AM NOT

GOING TO MAKE

A SCHERZO JOKE

Oh

That’s actually a perfectly suitable resolution. A bit anticlimactic but still.

;_;

The entity is born and the star is still there, burning less bright but still there. And all the “endless” people aren’t even endless anymore! That’s actually a very optimistic and positive ending after such an apocalyptic book!

*slow admiring clap*