JohannesVIII's Doctor Who liveblogs archive: The Taint

[Original blog post on Tumblr: October 28th, 2015]

Some highlights of the last EDA I’ve read (The Taint).

This isn’t exactly a review, more like some sort of retroactive liveblogging, since I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions. As usual, this is full of spoilers.

Two weak books in a row after the very good Beltempest, and I hope this trend won’t continue. This book is a mess. It’s very long, its story never justifies its length, and in the process becomes quite tedious. Out of all the secondary characters, I only liked one of the patients (Russell) and that was mainly because his story could make onions weep. Also, the whole plot (an old alien biological program that creates symptoms similar to a form of schizophrenia) felt vaguely insulting and cringy.

Also, you know what? I started to read these books because of the audio The Company of Friends, and this is the book where Fitz arrives. I expected him to be kind of a jerk, but I was way off - he isn’t just kind of a jerk. He’s a certified jerkass. But at the same time, his life sucks so much you can’t help but feel sorry for him. So yeah, I like Fitz. Also, I want to punch, kick and maybe strangle Fitz. But I still like Fitz. Please send help. 4/10

This went from “very vague” to “highly specific situation” in record time.

Oh so that’s the first book with Fitz, then. It took me a couple of books to like Sam, I wonder how long it will take me to like him.

Nevermind, it took me exactly one page.

EXTREMELY RELATABLE

Doctor please tell me you don’t plan to keep this begonia in your pocket

Oh my god. Okay. After that whole metaphor with the lilies in his pocket in Beltempest, there’s no way this isn’t the same metaphor. It works too well.

He said “One can learn things from a great man even when he shuts up.” Also, there’s a typo. Accents aren’t optional in French, guys.

FITZ NO

Oh my god.

Yeah and “Trolley” would be funnier than “Roley” but we don’t call you that because it would be rude so doN’T DO THE SAME THING WITH SAM

*snorts* Something a little queer.

That could be Sam. Or Eight. Or both.

Sorry. Please go on.

This is one of the best excuses ever used to justify his name to be honest.

Roley confirmed for the “asshole” tier

Also I can’t believe Sam accepted a date with this loser.

I laughed way too hard

Sam I know you went through the wringer recently and you’re probably a bit desensitized to danger by now but you do realise that’s a bad idea right

I can’t help but feel sorry for him despite the whole “heyy let’s date this girl just because I thought she had nice tits” thing.

Good question, Sam, that date was a terrible idea

FITZ NO

I still don’t know if I want to punch him or pat him on the head and say “there, there, it’s okay”

Maybe both

NEVERMIND I WANT TO HEADBUTT HIM & KICK HIM IN THE BALLS

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING

Sam can’t even catch a breath in these books holy shit

Fitz made the two robot guys flee by imitating several different voices to make them believe there was a street gang nearby. That’s pretty awesome.

Even the Doctor has noticed that Sam can’t catch a breath

Thank you for your precious contribution Doctor

I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T LAUGH BUT I CAN’T HELP IT

“A SMALL PLANT” OH MY F█CKING GOD

THAT AWFUL MISUNDERSTANDING COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF YOU WERE WEARING A PYJAMA FITZ KREINER

You are too adorable and need to be stopped

Also Sam is apparently scared of disabled people for no logical reason. That’s not a phobia, Sam, that’s just you being an asshole. Also I can’t help but think this is out of character since she’s usually so politically engaged for every cause imaginable.

Meanwhile strange things continue to happen to Roley’s patients, and if I’m not screening any of this so far it’s because it’s extremely slow, not very interesting and also vaguely insulting.

Also, all the patients seem to have some sort of alien leech inside them, because why not.

ASDFGHJKSDFGHJK NO

I’M SCRATCHING MY HAND NOW, GOOD JOB BOOK

MY POINT EXACTLY, SAM

I’M SCRATCHING MY HAND AGAIN THIS IS TERRIBLE

It’s not a competition, Doctor.

Almost halfway through the book and we are barely starting to understand what’s going on, this is far too slow.

Good

I have no words

Meanwhile at Roley’s house RUSSELL’S PERSONAL STORY COULD MAKE ONIONS WEEP HOLY SHIT

“Hmmmmm Sam hasn’t been shot for at least two books THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE CORRECT THIS MISTAKE IMMEDIATELY”

I still don’t know if I should punch him or hug him this is confusing

OH MY F█CKING GOD EIGHT

It took 168 pages to get to that point, I’m not even kidding.

Doctor you do realise you are in 1963, right? You and Susan are probably hiding in a junkyard, the version of you travelling with Ace has been elected at the Parliament, and there’s probably your fifth incarnation running around in a parallel reality where the Beatles never existed.

Meanwhile Sam escapes her captors by puking.

Good riddance.

“I think my mum wants to destroy the world”

TAKE A SHOT EVERY TIME SAM CAN’T CATCH A BREATH

Maria if you die in this story I’m not going to give a f█ck about it

GREAT JUST WHAT WE NEEDED

Doctor, you can still use that temporal orbit trick you’ve used in The Janus Conjunction to spend weeks to create an antidote for her, right?

Don’t tell me the writer forgot this was possible.

...

I have no words

Still have no words

LOOK AT THAT BULLSHIT

THE AUTHOR KNOWS THAT THE TEMPORAL ORBIT TRICK IS POSSIBLE AND WON’T USE IT BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT’S CHEATING, BUT REFUSES TO GIVE ANY OTHER JUSTIFICATION THAN “IT HAS BEEN DONE ALREADY”